I just want to feel
by yukarikudou
Summary: The plot thickens! A love triangle in the works... I have updated chapter seven, because it had a couple of problems, and may be updating it further in the future. Thanks for your patience!
1. sugar

_I just want to feel_

_Safe in my own skin_

Aya stared down at the little white box on the table, smirking. The box was the kind that come from 

the patisserie, the ones with the side flaps. He didn't open it, because he already knew what it was. 

_I just want to be_

_Happy again_

"Oh, Aya-chan," he sighed, letting one hand drop to the table's surface and at the same time 

dropping the smirk off his lips. "Why? Why did you need to do… _this_? Of all things, you should 

have known…" His other hand buried itself in his blood-red hair, and his eyes slitted.

_I just want to feel_

_Deep in my own world_

_But I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore_

 "You should have known, Aya, you baka," he muttered to himself. Violet eyes glanced down 

again at the innocent object on the table. One pale, long-fingered hand reached out to grasp 

lightly at the edge of the box's top, fingering the smooth, white surface for a few seconds. 

_On a different take_

If I was safe in my own skin 

_Then I wouldn't feel _

_Lost and so frightened_

Suddenly, Aya jerked it up, hard enough to topple the delicate box over backwards, tumbling 

the object inside onto the tabletop.  Aya sank so that he was crouching level with the table, 

chin in hand. He regarded the box, its tissue paper falling out in disarray, and the dark brown 

of chocolate gleaming almost out of sight. Toying with his hair,  he wondered what to do with 

the thing, and pulled the piece of tissue it was lying on towards himself. Soon Ken and Omi 

would be finished in the shop, and Youji was already in the shower. Aya-chan had gone out 

with some friends that morning, she wouldn't be coming back to the apartment or the shop for 

a few more hours. Aya was sure it was she who left the box on his pillow that morning. 

_But this is today_

_And I'm lost in my own skin_

_And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore_

Then Aya planted his gaze on the top of the cast-chocolate heart in front of him. The words, 

"I love you," were written in white frosting on top, in handwriting that didn't look like Aya's, 

so she must have had the people at the shop do it. The frosting had smeared, and he rubbed 

absently at the drying sugariness of it, trying to think of what to do. 

I can't just _eat_ it- that would be disrespectful. But what can I do? Those words- they don't 

belong in my vocabulary any more. She may love _me_, but- I can never ever return that, those 

words. I'm not fit to be loved by her. It's like there is a hole in my heart, where the words, 

"I love you," would come from. Does one become inhuman when one can't say those words? 

Do I have any shreds of humanity left, any shreds of my soul left that would be fit to give to 

someone? I don't thinks so; I think I've already sullied my existence forever. I really don't 

have anything I can give anyone, without staining them, too.  I don't think I will even get another 

chance to live- No, I've killed too many for that kind of redemption. My redemption lies in that 

I must live within myself. I can't go insane, I never will, no matter to what extents I am pushed. 

That is my punishment, my eternal duty to others.

And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore 

Aya reached out, intending to break the heart to pieces, but something stopped him. It wasn't 

that he felt that he actually deserved the heart, but-- It was just the words that bothered him. 

I _have_ a heart- it's just… shredded and stained," he mused aloud to himself. 

And Aya resumed rubbing at the frosting, wearing the white sugar away slowly.

_And I feel safe…_

_Oohhhh…._

_I feel…_

Aya licked his finger and rubbed at the last remnants of the word, "love," the chocolate getting 

a bit gooey under the tip of his warm finger. Now there was only the heart. Only the sad remains 

of chocolate… A shredded and stained heart too broken by Death to give or receive love. 

And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore 

"What happens, I wonder," Aya said to himself, "when one doesn't have any self-respect anymore? 

Do you waste away and die? Or is the love of others sufficient to… keep one alive?"

_I just want to feel_

Safe in my own skin 

_I just want to feel_

_Happy again…_

Author's Notes: This fic is an ongoing songfic--- the original song, this one, is by Dido. It's called 

"Honestly O.K." There will be other songs incorporated--- in the next one, there's part of a song 

by an unknown Russian techno group that I call "Robot," and part of Rammstein's "Stripped," 

which is in English. (no, I didn't use a translation! ^^) Also--- this is a repost, because I haven't 

written or updated for so long. SO I thought I should update the whole thing, including my author's note! Yay! 

Just so you know, ***extreme gratitude to _nekojita_ for getting me up off my ass and writing again! Arigatou!!!!*** 


	2. tire yourself out

_I am a robot,_

_I am a robot,_

I am a robot, 

Aya swept the katana down and around in the final, killing blow, and bowed, finishing the exercise.

The dojo was quiet. No other person was around, so Aya had come to let off some steam. His breath

came hard as he stood stock-still, the katana dangling from his limp hand, and watched the lights of a car 

sweep the far wall as it turned the corner on to this street. Finally, Aya's head dropped, sweat-soaked 

eartails falling forward, and the katana wavered in his grip, nearly dropping to the floor. Its tip made a 

grating sound on the floor and stopped. After several minutes of standing this way, Aya pulled himself 

up from the slumped posture and walked to the changing rooms, steady once more. 

_Robot, Robot, Robot_

_Robot, Robot, Robot_

On the drive home, Aya absorbed himself in thoughts of the next mission. This time it was only infiltration 

and information retrieval, not actually killing any particular person. Unfortunately for both Weiß and their 

victims, this sort of retrieval usually ended up with at least one or two security guards dead, guilty by association. 

Since Birman was of the opinion that no one else was needed for the mission, Aya and Omi were the ones 

actually going into the building. However, Youji and Ken had been rather incensed at the implication that

they weren't as good at what they did as Aya and Omi, and therefore insisted that they be allowed to come 

along as "extra help." It was really very unnecessary, mused Aya, since Omi would be hacking and he himself 

guarding Omi, but what the hell. They wanted to take part in a mission that they wouldn't be paid for, then 

that was their problem.   Then he saw the garage up ahead and spun the Porsche into the green structure. 

He noticed that there were still lights on in both Ken's and Omi's rooms, while Youji's was dark.  // Probably out 

womanizing again…// the redhead thought to himself, grimacing. The noises Youji made with his guests were 

altogether *too* audible for Aya's tastes, especially since their rooms were right next to each other. How he 

had ended up in that position was unknown to Aya, but he felt that it had something to do with Ken and Omi 

getting first choice of rooms. Frankly, it sucked. Some nights Aya had to sleep downstairs, resulting in a very 

grumpy Aya and a satiated, lazy Youji the next morning. // I swear // Aya thought as he unlocked the door 

and pushed it open. // Youji must do it on purpose, just trying to annoy me. In that case, I should ignore it 

completely, but… I just can't. // Rather hard to sleep very well, much less act normal the next morning to the 

teammate in question, if he heard Youji moaning his release several nights a week. And Youji actually thought it was *funny.* 

_Robot, Robot, Robot,_

_I am a robot_

_I am a robot, _

_Robot, Robot, Robot_

end of the English part of this song

By this time, Aya was padding up the stairs in bare feet, slipping into his room, and then out again with a towel 

to go take a shower. Once in the bathroom, he left the lights off, the only light now coming from what moonlight 

insinuated itself into the room through the window.  Aya put the towel down on the toilet seat and stripped 

off his clothing, piling the days' clothes in the corner next to the washbasin. Then he opened the window, 

reveling in the dry, cool breeze the touched his skin here and there, and turned on the shower, a very lukewarm 

temperature. Where in most Japanese homes there was a bath, not a shower, Weiß used the shower because 

it was quicker and cleaned a little more thoroughly. It was strange, but they had all gotten used to the necessity 

of it over time, and even grown to enjoy the blast of water that hit the skin as soon as one stepped into the 

shower stall. Aya soaped, rinsed, and then washed his hair with Omi's shampoo: he had forgotten to get more 

of his own recently, which was a little annoying, since Aya generally didn't much enjoy smelling like a rose, literally. 

// Omi's odd tastes are going to get him into trouble someday, when he meets a group of people who can't be as 

accepting of his quirks- or perhaps what Weiß really did was ignore them thoroughly… //

Come with me 

_Into the trees_

_We lay on the grass _

And let hours pass… 

Cleansed, Aya turned off the shower and stepped out onto the bathmat and toweled his hair dry. The previously 

dry breeze had turned moist and filled with the promise of rain. Its caress on his bare skin brought chills and goosebumps, 

and Aya cranked the window open even further and leaned against it, letting the air wash over him in a kind of personal, 

ritual cleansing, that left him feeling as clean, inside and out, as he was ever able to, and empty, empty like a glass left 

on the table overnight. Aya always tried to leave the lights off when he showered- that way it felt like he was drowning 

in rain, like he was outside with the wind and stars and endless rush of water falling. 

Take my hand 

_Come back to the land_

_Let's get away,_

_Just for one day…_

When his body was dry and cool again, Aya turned and wrapped the towel around his waist. He grimaced at the 

damp cloth against his once-dry skin, but it wasn't so bad. He scooped the workout clothes off the floor and 

opened the door to the bathroom, stepping out onto the industrial-style grey carpeting in the hall, barefoot. 

It was stale-smelling in the hallway, despite the best attempts of his sister to air it out and "make it smell like a 

hallway should," according to her. He padded down the corridor, clothes in a neat bundle in one hand, the other 

holding his towel around his hips. When Aya reached the door to his room, and realized his hands were full, 

he swore softly into the air, at no one in particular. As the redhead thought, the annoying carpeting dug into his 

feet, almost distracting him enough to make him shift his weight. But Aya isn't the sort of person to get distracted 

so easily, so he didn't shift his weight.  He was wondering if he should put the clothes down- but then they would 

spring out of their nice little bundle, and Aya hated a mess. If he used the other hand, though, it would be even worse- 

his towel would fall down unless he angled his hips the exact right way against the doorframe, and it was bound to 

happen that he didn't quite get it right, and someone would barge out into the hallway or up the stairs, startle him, and 

then it would be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to him in front of another Weiß member. He couldn't 

have that. Aya sighed, caught between a rock and a hard place- // Don't Americans call it a Catch-22? I think I heard 

Youji say that once, on a mission… // - And wedged his clothes under one arm, using his elbow the keep them in a bundle, 

and used that hand to keep his towel up. // I read a book once where the main character said he most respected the man 

who, when presented with two bad choices, could always make a third, more acceptable one. I'd be his poster boy… //

He smiled wryly at that thought. His other hand was used to turn the doorknob. As he entered the room and shut the door, 

the urge to sigh from the relief of being back in his sanctuary was almost overwhelming, but Aya didn't let himself sag or 

stop moving, let alone sigh. He walked purposefully across the floor (hardwood floors in the bedrooms- he had insisted 

on it when he first came to Weiß. Before, the horrible grey carpeting had been in the rooms, too.) and dropped the clothes 

in the hamper, a bamboo triple-sorter affair on wheels. Whatever else could be said of Aya, that he didn't have a sense 

of feng shui was not one of them. That everything in his room was economical and functional to the point of bareness… that could be said. 

Let me see you stripped… 

_Let me see you stripped…_

He took off the towel, letting it fall to the ground, and stretched, reveling in the pull and pop of muscles and joints given 

unaccustomed length. Halfway through the stretch, all of the muscles in his body contracted in towards Aya's center of 

gravity, leaving him shuddering with that sated feel of someone who's just had a good workout and then a good stretch. 

Then he collapsed onto the bed, curling about himself, and pulling the sheet over his body. He sighed in his sleep, 

breathing deeply, and the box, resting near his head on the pillow, slid towards the crimson mop. 

He never noticed it.

Metro-police 

_Has nothing on this_

_You breathing in fumes_

_I taste when we kiss…_

Author's Note! Okie. Here goes. I haven't updated anything in such a loooong while that anyone who ever read my stuff has officially forgotten about it. I know these things! I got an really fucking official-looking notice form FF.net by snail mail that everyone had forgotten that my stories existed. No, not really. I'm being stupid. ^^ Sorry. That seems to be my mode. Anyways…. Suddenly got in a writing mood, and I don't think I'll get out of it anytime soon.  So. Here's my story. Angst, depression, and general Aya-ness prevail, and included in the eclectic mix are Omi being involved in some questionable things and Youji being his normal self… which is to say, an active member of several weekly orgies and also a clubber. No, really. I swear to god. He is. Until he gets worried about Omi, that is.  ^^ Review, and I will love you forever! I will be your devoted slave! So… review? Arigatou? 

Also: Here's my AIM: yukarikudou

And my email: rosevickery@msn.com 

Feel free to email me! ^_^ 


	3. god hurts

He had been lying awake for a while by the time his alarm clock started ringing, its annoying "beep, beep, beep," 

cutting through his reverie. A slender, pale hand reached out to turn it off, carefully not pressing the snooze button, 

which didn't work anymore and wouldn't shut off the sound. Exhaling, Aya sat up in bed, the white sheet falling 

and puddling on his lap. The sun was already hard and bright in the room, and Aya sat there, not feeling entirely sure 

what he was doing, nor what there was he should be doing. 

_Donna hana sae, itsuka was kare-yuku_

_Donna yume sae, itsuka wa kie-yuku_

_Donna ai sae, itsuka was same-yuku_

_Donna hoshi sae, itsuka was tae-yuku_

_(No matter the blossom, someday it will wilt_

_No matter the dream, someday it will fade_

_No matter the love, someday it will cool_

_No matter the star, someday it will cease)_

Aya swung his feet out over the edge of the futon frame and stood up. His muscles ached a little from the exercise 

last night- that was a good sign. That meant he had pushed himself. Aya bent over to massage his calves, stretching 

them during the process. His crimson hair fell forward over his face, tickling his nose. // Oh no… I have to sneeze…// 

Aya quickly stood upright and held his breath, hoping he wouldn't. He hated it when he sneezed. When the tickling, 

tingling sensation left his nose, he let the breath out and walked over to the dresser, opening the top drawer for boxers. 

Black as always. Then, a shirt. Black as well. A little tighter than he usually liked, but today he felt like it. Black corduroys 

would suffice, and those new shoes. Slipping into the clothing, he brushed his hair, straightened up, and looked in the mirror. 

Yes, this would do just fine. Aya turned, and walked over to his bed, intending to straighten the sheet and coverlet, but was 

stopped by the sight of a box resting on his pillow. 

_Naze hito wa motomete shukumei no kinu wo _

Matou 

_Naze hito wa utsurou unmei no fuchi de_

_(Why do people seek to clothe themselves in_

_karma?_

_Why do people hide in the chasm of fate?)_

"Fuck it. I'm not opening it. I'm going to throw it out, right now." In two strides he was next to the bed. He reached across 

to the pillow and grabbed the box. He stood up, intending to immediately toss it into the wastebasket, but something stopped him. 

_// Something_, ne? Curiosity. I don't really want to throw it away, but if I don't… then… //

Like a cat with its paw halfway into the hole before it consciously wants to make any moves, Aya's hand was already on 

the lid of the box before he could think about it. He sighed. // Might as well… // The opened box revealed two small chocolate hearts and a note.

_Kokoro ni kakushite iro mono_

_Mitsukete kami was kizutsukeru_

_Daiji ni shimatte iro mono_

_Kowashite ore wo waratte iru_

_(I discovered something hidden within my heart_

_God hurts_

_And breaks those he loves_

_And now he is laughing at me.)_

Aya pulled the slip of paper free of the chocolate, half-annoyed at himself but not able to help it. He had to see what the note 

said. Unfolded, the rice paper was small, about the size of his palm. In handwriting that wasn't his sister's, it said, simply, "I'm sorry for this." 

// "I'm sorry" ?? What is that supposed to mean…? And who is really giving these chocolate hearts to me? // Aya truly was 

confused. It had to be someone who had access to his room- and therefore someone who was either on the team, or another, 

higher-up official of Kritiker. He knew that no one in Kritiker really knew him personally nor had any reason to apologize to him… 

At that he sneered. The entire organization owed him something. But that's not the kind of thing that they do- and if they ever admit 

that they are doing anything wrong, I'll eat my katana whole with plum sauce. So it had to be a member of the team. Now… which one? 

Ken- maybe. Omi- maybe. Youji- no… Hm. This was a difficult problem. Since he had no intention of leaving the only one of Kritiker's 

groups that he had ever really worked well with, he would have to be very careful. Anyone who would do this would be subtle enough 

themselves to pick up on it. So…. What to do? A flower arrangement? No. Aya knew for a fact that he and Youji were the only ones 

on the team with real knowledge of flower meanings, and Youji wouldn't have done this. So that leaves other plans… Ah! He could have 

them order ice cream--- have them guess what flavor he wanted. The one who said chocolate was the culprit. Then he'd look that person 

right in the eyes and tell them he liked vanilla better. That was it. They'd get the message. 

_Donna sora sae, itsuka wa kure-yuku_

_Donna kaze sae, itsuka wa hate-yuku_

_Donna toki sae, itsuka wa kuchi-yuku_

_Donna hito sae, itsuka wa shini-yuku_

_(No matter the sky, someday it will darken_

_No matter the wind, someday it will falter_

No matter the time, someday it will fall to ruin 

_No matter the person, someday they will die.)_

Author's note: Hey minna! Here's the new chapter. Read and review, please! You already know you'll get presents and everything if you do! ^^ Okay--- so this chapter's song is "Kami wa Taisetsu na Mono wo Kizutsukeru (God Hurts Those He Loves)"  sugnn by Koyasu Takehito (Aya's really hot seiyuu. Unfortunately for me, he's married. Sob.)  Anyways, this song is really pretty. If anyone wants an mp3 of it, I will gladly send it to them via AIM! Stupidly, my email server doesn't send attachments that are as big as mp3 files are, so I have to revert to AIM sending. Also- this isn't the entire song. There're still… oh, I'd say 5 more stanza-like things. A couple aren't exactly verses, which is why I call then stanzas (It really is poetry if you just read the lyrics.) So my AIM is yukarikudou. I will be on in the evenings on weekdays and various parts of the day on weekends. 


	4. mask breaks

The doorknob turned with a slight creak, going unnoticed by Aya as he strode down the hall and into the kitchen. Strands of crimson hair in his eyes, Aya made the blackest, strongest coffee in the house (which he shared with Youji) and made a small pot of rice for breakfast.             // I need to get more of that rice from the corner store soon, otherwise I'll be eating that disgusting, sugary cereal with Omi and Ken…// Aya thought as he dumped the rice into a little bowl and got a pair of chopsticks. // Or maybe I'll end up starving in the mornings, like Youji does… better than eating sugar and a little milk with tiny bits of cereal floating in the mixture. // Going down the stairs with refilled coffee mug and bowl of rice in hand, Aya shouldered aside the door to the backyard -

// More like "back driveway"…// - and was immediately greeted by the unique scent of Youji's special brand of cigarettes. Aya went over to the picnic table that had taken up residence in the driveway and sat down, nodding good morning to Youji before beginning to eat. // I wonder if I should take up smoking… he looks so peaceful and relaxed when he takes a drag… but it would ruin my lungs…// His teammate sat astride the bench on the opposite side of the table, leaning on the rough wood of the tabletop with dreamy disregard for his clothes. 

Shijin no kao egaita Ichimai no shouzou 

_Kabe ni kakerareta mama_

_Kako wo samayotteru_

_(I'd painted the face of a poet_

_A single lonely portrait_

_It yet hangs from the wall_

_Lost within the past.)_

The regularity with which Aya's chopsticks moved from bowl to lips decreased as time went on. He occasionally sipped at the coffee, one of the only Western foods he could stand. Mostly, though, the usually tense team leader just sat, soaking up the faint rays of sun that penetrated through the clouds. // I wonder why he's always out here when I come outside in the mornings? I mean, he stays up late enough so that he should have to sleep until three in the afternoon to make up the sleep debt…// Youji took another drag on his cigarette, blowing the smoke out through his mouth and into the air above the two men. It curled lazily, drifting a little further away and off to one side with each passing second. Youji watched it go, heavy-lidded with contentment. Aya watched the bird in the tree across the street hop around its nest. Youji blew a smoke ring, and then another, watching curiously as they almost went through one another, but not quite.

No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru ore 

_No one, No one. Naze darou. Doko ka niteru_

_(No one, No one. I exist alone_

_No one, No one. Why is that? Have I been here_

_Before?)_

The only sounds were the quiet rushing sound that a city always makes and the sound of Youji and Aya's breathing, loud enough to be heard but soft enough not to break the quiet feeling. // This always reminds me of the times I would go with my sister to the shrine in the early mornings, before anyone else was up and before school started… The quiet sounds that the leaves make the only thing we could hear besides out own feet… Sometimes I'm glad there's someone else my age in Weiß- Omi and Ken have no appreciation for the quiet moments in life. Always they are making noise, rushing around- at least Youji will be quiet for more than two seconds.// The smoke from the cig drifted around their heads and away, not staying around for long enough to make Aya cough. Aya's hands lay relaxed on the wood, for once not clenched in anger or tension. Youji rested his head on one long-fingered hand, the other periodically drifting up to his mouth for a taste of smoke and then away again. Aya gradually shifted his attention from the bird and the smoke to Youji himself, not realizing it until too late. 

Imawashii kioku dake 

_Ore no naka ni aru_

_Akai chi to majirai_

_Nikushimi ni kawaru_

_(Only these terrible, frightening memories_

_Exist inside of me._

_When mixed with crimson blood_

_It transforms into hatred)_

// His fingers hold that white tube to his lips so lovingly… such grace even when he's half-asleep and inhaling smoke… his eyes are almost drugged-looking, but not quite, with their sleepy look and heavy lids, smudged-looking and almost like a little boy. He looks so relaxed, so quiet-like he could fall asleep or disappear any second… I love the way his hair falls in his face, deep brown and curling around delicate cheekbones and lustrous eyes that stare out of his beautiful face, pale and yet tanned, like a painting of a gypsy or an angel… they have look of such intensity- oh god! He- I'm- oh my god, I was staring at him! He noticed me staring at him- oh no, now he's smiling like he knows- Urgh. I am leaving. Why was I staring at him, anyways? Maybe I should play it cool and not leave… then he might not suspect as much. Yes. I will stay. // Aya caught himself as he was about to blush and looked away instead, studiously avoiding any hints of being flustered. Youji smiled secretively to himself when the redhead carefully turned his head to look elsewhere, certain he could pull it off without Youji noticing his near-embarrassment. 

_No world, No world. Kaereru sekai mo nai_

_No words, No words. Kotoba wa kudakechitta_

_No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru ore_

_No one, No one. Kako kara tooku hanare_

_(No world, No world. No world to return to_

_No words, No words. All my words have been crushed_

_No one, No on. I exist alone_

_No one, No one. I'll wander far from the present)_

Eventually, the silence was broken by the sound of the neighbors turning on their radio very, very loud. Youji lost the little-boy look and glanced up at their windows, trying to hear what was on. Aya sighed almost without sound, vaguely annoyed and yet relieved at the interruption. One finger traced the rough grain of the wood while he stared at it, about to get up. Suddenly, Youji's husky, smoke-roughened alto broke out into song, or rather humming, as the radio song became more audible. // I hate this song… It's so annoyingly sappy…. // Aya thought as "Junigatsu no Love Song" by Gackt drifted out of the open windows of the house next door. // I liked all his other stuff, but this song is just too idiotic. For instance, when he was with Malice Mizer- now that was a good band. Too bad it broke up…. I wonder if Mana'll go solo….? // Aya let loose another sigh as the stupid pop song played on. Then, suddenly, it was switched to another station, a news station. Aya almost sighed again in relief, but thought better of it- that would be too many sighs in the course of two minutes. 

Aoi kamen tsuke 

_Rekishi ni odotta_

_Itsuka wasurerare_

_Soshite kiete ikou_

_(I'll don a Blue Mask_

_And dance through history_

_And finally, someday_

_I'll fade away)_

Youji stopped humming and looked at his cigarette while it burned. "I never liked that song anyways. It was too poppy- and not Gackt's style at all. He's much better than that."

Youji's voice rang into the quiet that had stood in between them for forty-five minutes, startling Aya enough to get him to half jump off the bench.

"…Yeah." Was all he said, but even that much was a surprise to both Youji and the redhead himself. "Yeah, you're right." Aya relaxed again, daydreaming to himself.

// When Aya-chan wakes up, we'll go on a picnic together… Aya-chan and me and Ken, Omi, and Youji… We'll have a nice house in a residential part of Tokyo… Omi will graduate from high school and go to university… Ken might get more time for his soccer kids… Aya will smile and laugh at me again-//

 "…think this is more appropriate… here goes nothing, with my vocals shot from smoking."  And the sometime playboy cleared his throat started to sing yet again, this time with the words, too, not just humming.

"Aishi hajimeta ano hi kara boku wa kawari hajimeta / anata dake wo mitsumeraretara ii to / anata wa itsumo ano niwa de sabishisou ni tatazumi / chitte yuku hana dake wo mitsumete ita" His voice wove up and down, seemingly without control, but the whole thing sort of wove together. Aya listened, aware that the song was a love song- // what? How is this "more appropriate"?! He couldn't be the one… // - but at the same time oddly unable to move or talk or do anything but listen. It was, after all, a good song, even if he didn't want a teammate serenading him at a picnic table in the driveway at this early hour- or any other hour, in fact. Youji was still singing.

"Todokanai negai wa setsunaku kokoro ni kizu wo tsuketa / me no mae ni fusagatta genjitsu dake ga boku wo ima mo zutto / nayamaseta muse kaeru kuuki dake ga boku wo / wasurenai you ni…" The song was full of breathy, quick pauses and odd rhythms, and half of the longer words were shortened or slurred over. Aya couldn't imagine how hard it would be to sing such a thing without at least _some_ vocal training, and Youji seemed to be doing a pretty good job. 

"GARDEN  itsu no hi ka wa deaeru to negatta – itsumo / GARDEN   sugi yuku kono kisetsu no nake de itsu made mo… anata wo …." Youji's voice was still hoarse but had warmed up to the tune, and Aya was almost released from his spell. // I should get up. I should get up right now and walk out. I should go visit Aya-chan at the Magic Bus. I should… I…//

"Karete yuku kanashii hana wa ikusen no yoru wo mita / sepia iro ni yuki utsushita anata no sugata / wasuretai wasuretakunai  mujunna kimochi sae mo / nejifuseta boku ga soko ni tada hitori tachi tsukushita / sabishige ni yuki dake ga –" 

Aya finally made his legs work and stumbled into a standing position. Youji looked up at him, stopping in the middle of a verse to stare at the redhead in open confusion. Aya could tell he was wondering what he had done. // Well, let him wonder! // the team leader snarled into his own head. // Let him wonder! // He glared at Youji's upturned face, turned, and stumbled over to the door, not looking back, his hands clenched into fists again. 

Hohoemi wo tazusaeta 

_Kazoku no shouzou_

_Noroi dake tokenu mama_

_Ima mo ano hi no mama_

_No more, No more. Namida wa dare no tame ni_

_No more, No more. Afurete tsuchi ni kaeru_

_No world, No world. Hohoemu sekai mo nai_

_No words, No words. Aiseru kotoba mo nai_

_No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru ore_

_No one, No one. Kako kara tooku hanare_

_No one, No one. Hitori de ikiteru ore_

_No one, No one. Naze darou. Dokoka niteru_

_(I carried my smile in my hand_

_In a portrait of my family_

_Just to ease my curse now a bit_

_Just like on that day_

_No more, No more. Who are these tears for?_

_No more, No more. They return to the earth and vanish._

_No world, No world. No world left to smile in_

_No words, No words. No more words of love. _

_No one, No one. I exist alone_

_No one, No one. I'll wander far away from the past_

_No one, No one. I exist alone_

_No one, No one. Why is that? Have I been here before?) _

As Aya staggered up the stairs, emotions and reactions fighting in his head, Youji just sat at the table and stared at the door. He shrugged, looked at his long-burned-out cigarette, and hummed a few bars of the song he had been singing, picking at a splinter on the table's top. 

            Aya lurched into the hall and to his room, opening the door and practically falling through it in his sudden lack of balance. Collapsing on his bed, the redhead's shoulders shook as he sobbed, unsure about what he was crying for, or who, or why. All he knew was that the song Youji had been singing wouldn't leave him alone- it was following him, invading his personal space, taking over his brain so he couldn't think of anything else. 

Wasuretai wasuretakunai mujunna kimochi sae mo…. 

_(I want to forget, I don't want to forget, these contradictory feelings….) _

Author's note: Hey everyone! Once again, I have a new chapter for you. Once again, it's a songfic. In case you hadn't noticed, the entire thing is gonna be songfics, because I like my stories to have "sound tracks." In this chappie, there are two songs- the one I started out using is "Blue Mask," sung by Koyasu Takehito (Aya's seiyuu, if you didn't know that already.) The second one, which I ***ABSOLUTELY ADORE*** is called "GARDEN," and it's by Dir en grey. I love that song. I really do. *acts weird about song* Okay, 'nuff of that. 

Special Thanks/Comments for:

-neko jita. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have gotten this far, and it wouldn't be nearly as good as it is. (I'm not saying it's the best fic in the world, but… it would be worse, trust me. Much worse.) Thanks also for the beta reading. Arigatou!!!

-Keeshe. Thanks for being so enthusiastic! I'm always happy when someone likes my fics…. Unfortunately, I have to apologize, because this one isn't gonna be a RanKen— my favorite pairing is-- well, in order not to give it away for those of you who haven't already guessed who's gonna end up w/ Aya in the end, I'll just say this: there is an element of RanKen, but it's not the main point. 

However--- since I don't want you t get too disappointed, here's what I'll do: I'll give you your own version of the fic in which Ken and Aya end up together. ^^ I hope you like it! 

Same deal- if you wanna talk to me or get one of these songs (or the ones from previous fics, or any song you think I might have) feel free to IM me (screenname: yukarikudou) or email me (rosevickery@msn.com). I love feedback, whether good or constructive criticism!


	5. it's your fault for not understanding an...

_He was dreaming, running and running and running forever, away from something, but he wasn't sure what. It wasn't a monster, it was something else, but he didn't want to see it- he never wanted to see it, that thing that was following him and plaguing his dreams until he didn't even want to fall asleep any more. The thing had been close at first, and so he had started running, getting farther away each night. Once he could almost say he couldn't feel its presence in the never-ending dreamscape of fog and grey, but that was once- and the next time it was closer. Every night, every time he closed his eyes, the thing got closer, and he was afraid of it. Running, he stumbled out of sheer exhaustion and half-fell to his knees, trying to get up and flee again. Then all of a sudden, he _was falling forward, up into a sitting position, mouth stretched open in a skull-like rictus, a silent scream. Aya's bangs stuck to his forehead, sweat-soaked, and his heart pounded, threatening to burst at any moment and send gouts of bright blood cascading throughout the room. His breathing slowed, easing into a smoother, more subdued pattern, and tense shoulders relaxed into a semblance of normality. Aya glanced at the clock and started- // It's two in the afternoon? What the hell am I doing in my bed? In the cold room, Aya's perspiring body became chilled quickly, causing him to burrow under the thin sheet, clothes and all.

// Clamminess doesn't agree with me… // he thought, puzzled by the anomaly. // I never sleep this late… What happened? What- Oh! Oh my god. This morning was so weird. I should get up. I really should- but what will I do when I see Youji? Nothing. I should do nothing, and then maybe he'll think nothing was amiss. That doesn't really solve the problem, but it sure does minimize the damage. Okay. That means I have to get up and take a shower, go down to the shop, take over for the after-lunch shift and then close the shop at six. Omi will never know what happened, and Ken is too afraid of me to ask- even if he ever realizes that something wasn't quite right this morning. 

***

Aya sighed and wiped his forehead with the back of one wrist, not wanting to get dirt on his face. The day had been a busy one, and what with having to keep up the new façade- the one that said nothing has happened and that Aya was completely in his normal mode- the redhead was dog-tired. Youji had, to all effects, been his usual self all day as well, not mentioning anything about what had happened that morning. This was a tremendous relief to Aya, because otherwise he would've had to be even stonier and less responsive than he already was. Omi, as he had suspected, never thought that there had been anything about that morning was amiss, and Ken was so busy thinking about his soccer kids' game that evening that he never even spared Aya a second glance when the team leader walked into the shop at three o'clock, not at all his usual time. 

            Omi was just about to go to the library for his history project. Ken was going to drop him off en route to the neighborhood game that he was coaching. Youji was outside smoking (big surprise), which was a big relief to Aya, who was having a hard time staying calm while in the same room as his tall teammate. At least, that was what was really going on- no one but Aya knew it, though, because he kept up the farce. 

Shikoukairo wo kamisori de setsudan 

_yume wa boroboro ai wa gitagita_

atama no naka wa No outlet 

_(Sever the logic circuits with a razor_

_it's your fault for not understanding anything_

_dreams are worn, love is trite_

_in my head no outlet)_

// I hope we don't eat pizza or something similarly disgusting for dinner… if we do, I'll only get ice cream, not the most filling thing in the entire world- ah, that reminds me- I need to set the plan into action. So… how shall I work this? Hmmm… // Aya mused to himself, the grey day outside lending clarity to his thoughts. He jumped when the door slammed and the little bell rang- Youji coming into the shop. //…. maybe I _should_ ask Youji about ice cream? All right, before I lose my nerve…// 

"Ne, Youji…"

"Yeah?"

"What kind of ice cream do you think I like?"

Youji looked very startled, but immediately said, as thought it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Vanilla, of course. Why?"

It was Aya's turn to be completely freaked out, though he didn't let it show. // How does he know me so well?! I never told him what kind of ice cream I like! How the hell…?!//  "Uh… I just wanted to know if you could guess. I feel like ice cream tonight."

"Oh… I didn't have you pegged as an impulsive ice-cream-eater, though…"

"Youji, if you've ever 'had me pegged' as anything, you'd better reconsider those notions." Aya raised an eyebrow, challenging Youji's self-assured rambling. Youji didn't take the bait. 

"Whatever. So you want ice cream? I could go get it… I need some more smokes anyways…"

"No, I'm asking Ken and Omi too."

"Oh. Okay, fine. See you in a bit, then."

"Bye."

_shikoukairo ga are wo motometsuzuke_

_muishiki no boku No outlet_

_(My logic circuits continue to hope for that_

_Unbeknownst to me No outlet)_

Aya, still reeling from his semi-encounter with Youji, made his way up the first set of stairs, to the landing in front of the kitchen, and then leaned against the doorway of the kitchen. Ken sat at the table, reading the comics in the paper. Aya used the same line, since he knew Ken wouldn't have been able to hear him and Youji.

"Ne, Ken…"

Ken looked up, surprised at Aya's sudden appearance. "Uh, yeah?"

"What kind of ice cream do you think I like?"

Ken looked like he was about to blush, a faint tinge of red creeping onto his cheeks. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I dunno. Just feel like ice cream tonight."

Ken stuttered his way into the next sentence. "Uh- uh, well, ummm… maybe! Ah! Chocolate?" Aya smirked within his own head at the over-display of emotion. Ken was *definitely* the one who'd been sending him chocolate. 

"Ah. Well. Actually, Ken, I like vanilla a lot better, okay?" Aya stared the soccer player down, daring him to protest. 

"Ah… ah.. oh- I see. I'm sorry!" 

"As long as you understand."

"I- I guess…"

"Good."

_Neo (?)_

_I can't control my mind_

_Can't control_

The clink of spoons from bowls to mouths wasn't really audible over the sound of the T.V., but Aya was sure he could just… *hear* it, echoing around and around in his head. He had a pounding headache that refused to leave, and Omi's incessant chatter during dinner hadn't made the feeling any better. Then, the rest of the team had dragged him bodily into the living room to watch some stupid movie, which wasn't exactly what he had planned for the evening. Ah well. At least he got to eat ice cream. Youji had bought the stuff anyway, even though Aya had said he didn't need to. When the playboy came home from the store and found Aya, he raised the bag at the redhead, saying, "I heard the whole thing with Ken. Thought you'd need ice cream anyway, so I got Neapolitan, the kind split into chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla." Aya frowned but took the bag, putting the container into the freezer to wait for after dinner. Youji had then gone up to his room and stayed there until Omi called out that dinner was ready, and Aya had hung around downstairs. 

_Kotoba ni dekizu kotoba ni narazu_

_kotoba wa kokoro wo kowashite_

_otona no kamen wo kabutta boku wa_

_nani mo nokora naifu boku_

_(It can't come out in words, it won't become words_

_those words destroy my heart_

_I, who wore the mask of an adult_

_Just me and the knife which leaves nothing behind)_

            After the movie had finally wound down to a close, Aya sighed and unbent himself from the couch, went into the kitchen with his bowl, rinsed it, and then went upstairs again to his room, his safe haven. The day had turned out oddly- although in a vaguely gratifying way, since at least he had guessed correctly at the perpetrator of the crime. // I'm pretty sure Ken got my message, which is nice. I can't handle a relationship right now. //  Aya put on a CD he had just bought and flopped down on the bed.

Two minutes later, someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Uh- Ken."

"What?"

"This is kind of a personal subject that I don't want to discuss through the door, much as I'd like to respect your privacy."

"Fine. Come in." Aya sat up.

Ken opened the door just wide enough to slide into the room, closing it as soon as he was through. He smiled, a little nervous, but not that much. That lack of anxiousness annoyed Aya, making him frown and causing his first words to the soccer player to come out sharply.

"Ken, what do you want? I'm busy."  // Unfortunately, I'm not actually doing anything but listening to EBTG… // Aya thought as soon as the words had left his mouth. Ken smiled a little sardonically and leaned against the wall. Just the gesture irritated the redhead's sense of dignity, the movement and smile together clearly saying, "Yeah, of _course_ you are."

"So. I just wanted to ask you…."

"Yes?"

Ken suddenly looked up from the floor and straight into Aya's eyes. "Will you go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

Nakayoshi koyoshi nante fuzakita 

_kotoba wa ima sugu kowashite_

_otona no kamen wo kabutta boku_

_nani mo kikoenai mono ne da_

_(I'll destroy now the foolish words, "play nice with the other kids"_

_I, who wear the mask of the devil_

_I don't want to hear about something I can never have.)_

Author's note: Hola, everyone! Here's a new chapter, and I just want to say thank you to everyone who's been reviewing! Arigatou gozaimashita! Ah, and especially Sky, who pointed out that in the anime series, Youji and (I think this's what she said..) Aya show the least flower knowledge, while I had them as the ones who understood it. Sorry about that! I haven't watched the whole thing yet- I will actually be doing that in about two weeks- so please forgive and _tell me_ about any glaring errors. It'll do wonders for the story! Thanks also to neko jita for being my wonderful beta! This chapter's song is "Children" by Dir en grey. It's a really good (and short) song, and the majority is incomprehensible to my ears, but the lyrics are still really cool. 

----rue-chan/k-chan/rose

p.s.- email me! I love feedback/beta readers/people who want me to beta/ etc!

The addy is rosevickery@msn.com ^_^ 


	6. shattered

Aya looked at Ken, his face unreadable. "What did you just say?" Ken smiled a little, almost breaking the slender thread of control Aya had been holding onto.

"I said, will you go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

Aya's face was calm for a moment, almost pensive-looking, and then he smiled wickedly.

"No. No, get out."

Ken blanched at the look on his teammate's face and walked out the door, throwing his words back over one shoulder. "You will, eventually." The door slamming was loud in Aya's bare room, seeming to echo over everything. He sighed, lay back on his bed, and stared at the ceiling, the whiteness seeming to swim before his eyes. 

_kimi to futari de aruita ano koro no michi wa nakute_

_sore demo zutto aruita, itsu ka kimi to aeru no ka na_

_(the way we walked together back then is lost_

_yet always we were walking, someday shall I meet with you?)_

Suddenly Aya realized that the malicious grin he had worn to scare off Ken was still there, straining at his lips. It seemed to be too much work to keep, and Aya stopped smiling abruptly. // I hate this life. I hate it so much. I wish I could kill myself, but Aya-chan needs me… then again, she's doing fine by herself. Birman would take care of her… It wouldn't be too much of a burden. I would go out into the mountains where snow never melts and shoot myself in the head. A quick death, but no honorable suicide- I don't deserve that. And no one would ever find me. I would be safe from everyone, no one would ever touch me again…// Aya's violet eyes were tightly closed, his hands clenched in the blankets, tension lines running between his eyebrows. // I don't need this life! Why… Why couldn't I just end it all? I could do it right now if… I don't need that elaborate plan. I can just do it here. Fuck all of them. I don't care if I cause them any pain or disgust or… anything. I need to get away forever, on a permanent vacation. Oblivion is the best course of action. // After a long while, Aya sat up and looked out the window. //The moon was full tonight…but I've spent so much time brooding, the night's practically gone. // He stood up, toeing on the indoor shoes they all wore in the house, and shuffled over to the desk. Taking out a pen and a small piece of paper, the redhead wrote four words:

                        _Take care of her._

_nadarakana oka no ue yuruyaka ni yuki ga furu todokanai to wakatte mo_

_kimi no heya ni hitotsu daisuki data hana wo ima…_

_(atop the gently sloping hill, the snow slowly falls-  I understand that I cannot reach you, yet_

_in your room, a single flower of the kind that you loved, is now…)_

He folded the paper and walked out into the dark hall, thinking of where to put the note. 

// Hmmmm… I wonder… Who should I give it to? Omi would freak out, Ken would get angry, and Youji would go find me, then Aya-chan. Which one do I want for my sister? // Walking as quietly as he could so no one would come out and see what he was doing, Aya padded over to Youji's door and slid it underneath. Satisfied that Aya-chan would be taken care of, Aya went back to his room, shut the door, and got his katana. Holding the smooth hilt in his hands, Aya considered the method of his death. // The wrists? The throat? In the heart? Wrists are slow and a little tricky, but they hurt like hell… Throat, I'd die quickly but messily. The heart? Very quick, but messy… And too much like the honorable warrior's death for me. Very well then… the wrists it is. I can control where I bleed that way. // Aya put on his boots, wanting to feel presentable to the last. There would be no pathetic element to his death, down to the kind of shoes. Or lack thereof. 

// On second thought, bare feet are better even than boots. Never mind, I'll take them off when I get up there. // 

_kyonen saigo no yuki no hi kataku kawashita yakusoku_

_omoidaseba tokedashi te no hira kara koborete_

_(the day of the last year's final snow- a promise firmly exchanged_

_when I remembered, it started to melt, and spill from the palm of my hand)_

Aya went to the mirror and looked at himself, wanting this last vestige of reality to anchor what he was planning in the real world. Instead, he looked only like a ghost, a pale simulacrum of a real person. Reaching out, Aya placed his real fingers on his phantom self's cheek, and then let them slide away. "Goodbye," The redhead whispered, and walked to the door. Casting one last glance at his room, Aya turned again and exited the room, pausing to pull his coat off the hook and stepping out into the hall. He closed the door behind himself with a muffled thud. Walking to the end of the hall, the redhead took the stairs to the roof as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb the rest of the household… or, for that matter, wanting them to interrupt _him_ in the middle of bleeding to death. 

_nadarakana oka no ue yuruyaka ni yuki ga furu todokanai to wakatte mo_

_kimi no heya ni hitotsu daisuki datta hana wo ima…_

_(atop the gently sloping hill, the snow slowly falls- I understand that I cannot reach you, yet_

_in your room, a single flower of the kind that you loved, is now…)_

The stairs were dark, and cold bit through the opening in his trenchcoat to his thin shirt, making him shiver involuntarily. Goosebumps rising already on his skin, Aya came to the top of the stairs and out onto the roof the building. Frozen gravel crunched beneath his boots, and Aya looked up at the dark sky. It was getting lighter in the east, and down on the horizon some of the stars were fading into the glow. // Just in time, I suppose. Not that they'll look on the roof anytime soon. // 

_madobe ni hitori kiri de tada yuki wo mitsumeteru kimi wo omoidashi nagara_

_garasu goshi ni kimi wo ukabe saigo no kuchizukeshite…_

_(all alone by the window, just staring at the snow, while I remember you_

_through the glass, I recall you, and give you a final kiss…)_

His breaths were puffing out in thin wisps of frozen air, and Aya's cheeks and nose were already becoming numb.  The redhead walked over to the low wall – maybe three and a half feet tall, and only meant to keep people from falling too easily – and leaned out over the street, the leather of his trenchcoat creaking a little in the cold. A slight wind started up, whipping Aya's pale face and bright hair. Aya looked up to the stars for the last time, then down again as he grasped the katana's hilt in both hands, pointing the blade towards himself. Taking a quiet moment to steady himself, Aya took a breath, let it out, and snapped his wrists and forearms towards the double-edged blade. The icy-cold metal bit lengthwise into his flesh, almost sharper than he expected. There was a pained, hissing intake of breath, still quiet, and then the blood began. 

_ne            waratte yo      mou nakanai de_

_koko kara zutto anata wo mite iru wa_

_(hey-    smile-            don't cry anymore_

_from here on, I'll always be watching you)_

Gazing down at the silver sword and his practically translucent arms dripping bright blood down the blade, Aya allowed himself a small smile and stumbled backwards. He let the katana fall and looked at it stupidly for a moment, blood loss and shock already starting to affect him. Aya half-shook himself out of the trance he'd been in and wrestled with the heavy leather coat, straggling to get it off. It was hard, because his hands were slippery with blood that kept coming, but he managed it. And managed to get his boots off, standing barefoot and without a coat on the cold, hard pebbles that covered the roof. An almost beatific expression in his eyes and that same small smile of satisfaction and release on his lips, Aya stared out into the steadily- lightening sky while the shock slowly wore off. Pain washed through his body, but Aya didn't notice much. He was concentrating on the fading stars, the midnight-blue sky bleaching to faint peach and rich fuchsia. 

_nadarakana oka no ue yuruyaka ni yuki ga furu todokanai to wakatte mo_

_kimi no heya ni hitotsu daisuki datta hana wo ima…_

_(atop the gently sloping hill, the snow slowly falls- I understand that I cannot reach you, yet_

_in your room, a single flower of the kind that you loved, is now…)_

The cold ate into his body and an area of blood-soaked gravel grew steadily larger. Aya stumbled forward, supporting himself on the wall. His toes and hands, and practically every other part of him, were almost totally numb, but if he paid attention to it, Aya could feel that there was blood covering his feet as well; he still made the effort of clambering onto the wide wall. Feeling waves of blackness washing at his mind, Aya fought them off and focused steadily on the sunrise, balanced on the wall.

_akari wa      shizuka ni    shiroku some yuku machi no naka_

_kimi ga mita saigo no kisetsu iro_

_namida wo    otoshita   genjitsu to wa zankoku da ne_

_kimi ga mita saigo no kisetsu iro_

_(the brightness quietly colors the inside of the town white_

_you saw the season's final colors _

_you saw the season's final colors)_

 His arms were dripping occasionally onto the sidewalk below, not that the redhead noticed. He was alert only to changes in the colors of the sky. Aya's slit wrists were still bleeding, but the steady flow of earlier had slowed to a sluggish trickle, seeping down his forearms and drying there. Thus, with his attention so focused, Aya forgot to fight unconsciousness, and it hit him like a hammer to the head. The redhead swayed, as though undecided, and toppled off the wall in one long, agonizing moment. There was a nasty, frozen-sounding crunch, and two stories below, a half-broken body lay on the sidewalk. 

_shiki to kimi no iro yagate kieru darou_

_yuki wa tokete machikado ni hana ga saki_

_kimi ga mita "shikisai wa" sotto tokete yuku_

_kotoshi saigo no yuki no hi ~machikado ni hitotsu no hana_

_sora wo miagereba saigo no yuki ga to no hira ni koborete~_

_(the four seasons and your colors too soon will disappear_

_the snow melts, on the street corner, the flowers bloom_

_you saw the "hues" softly dissolving_

_the day of this year's final snow  ~on the street corner, one single flower_

_when I look up at the sky, the final snow will spill into the palm of my hand~)_

_a-n: the words at the end with the curlicues are only written in the lyrics, not sung._

            __


	7. awake with sharp edges

Ken groaned, one hand groping for his alarm clock as it shouted at him to wake up. He managed to shut the damn thing off, and then propped himself up on one elbow and cracked an eyelid to check the time. // 5:30. What the hell? Why am I… oh yeeeah… Today I start my daily morning run.// Ken fell out of bed and struggled into some running pants and a t-shirt, pulling a sweatshirt over the combination. He hopped on first one foot, then the other while trying to get his socks and sneakers on, and stumbled out the door and downstairs with some difficulty. 

Grumbling to himself and shuffling, the athletic man somehow got to the kitchen without any major incidents and washed his face in the sink, rinsing and spitting to get rid of the unbearable taste in his mouth. Then Ken wandered down into the shop, munching an energy bar, and lifted the metal slats that covered the windows. He opened the shop's door, locked it behind himself with the granola bar in his mouth, and turned around, ready to head down the street on his morning run. Ken was stopped in his tracks by the sight before him: Aya, splayed out on the sidewalk, his limbs at awkward angles, a small amount of blood on the sidewalk around his head and by each of his wrists. 

Ken gasped, choked on the food in his mouth, and rushed forward, checking Aya's pulse, frantically running his hands over Aya's broken body, counting broken bones and joints, finding the sources of the blood, and trying his hardest not to scream. 

sou kawaranai mono   kusatte yuku mono   shinde yuku mono   watashi no ai shita mono wo subete kaeshite

(Yes, give me back all those I loved, the unchanging, the rotting, and the dying ones)

Finally reassured that his teammate and the object of his affections was still breathing (barely) and able to be moved (it was a close call), Ken gathered Aya up in his arms and went around to the back of the building, knowing that it would be too much of a struggle to try and open the grate and door without hurting Aya some more. Thoughts raced through his head: // Aya's been beaten up, how could anyone beat up Aya? He didn't have his katana, he couldn't protect himself, why in hell was he out at that time of morning- and wait, his body isn't that warm he must've been out here for hours. Why didn't he yell? Why does it look as though he was pushed off the top of a building? Oh shit there's the narrow part of the alley I hope I can get 'im through without breaking anything else- there we go…// 

And they were through into the back area of the house, bustling over to the green-painted, peeling door, when there was a muffled shout and someone sprinted over from the picnic table. Youji was breathless with anxiety, smokers' lungs, and his run when he leaned over Ken and Aya, an extremely worried look on his face. "What in _hell_ happened to Aya? Where did you find him? What the fuck..?" 

Youji drifted off, muttering curses to himself as he checked Aya over just as thoroughly as Ken had done, if not more so. 

sou umarete yuku mono   umitsukeru mono   okashite yuku mono   hito no kutsuu ga kono toki kara hajimaru

_(Yes, those being given birth to, those giving birth, those who sin     Human suffering begins from this time)_

Ken just stood there, being experienced in Youji's ways, and knowing that the ex-team-leader would have a plan of action when he finished talking to himself. 

Youji carefully turned over Aya's face so he could see the damage, taking notice of the heavy bruising on Aya's right temple, and then moved on the his arms and legs. Aya had a broken wrist, broken forearm, several broken ribs, and a totally pulverized shoulder joint, as well as a large gash that would need stitches, all on his right side. On the other side, there was an identical gash, a sprained elbow, and a few more broken and bruised ribs. 

One thighbone was probably fractured, on his left side, and a couple of toes were broken as well. His red hair was matted with blood, a darker shade of crimson, and both arms were covered in drying blood, still sticky in the heaviest rivulets. Youji kept on sucking in breath through his teeth, sympathizing with the pain his secret love was undoubtedly going to go through when he woke up. Ken just stood there, holding onto Aya's limp form for dear life, looking blank and in shock. Finally, after what seemed like hours of deliberation, Youji came to a decision: 

"Ken, go put Aya on the table in the kitchen and I'll call an ambulance. Go wake up Omi and tell him Aya's hurt, tell him… Ah, hell, I'll tell him when I see him. Wash your hands and pack some of Aya's things for us to take to the hospital for him- clean underwear, especially, you remember how he was last time he was in the hospital without clean undergarments…" Youji's directions flowed on as he held the door open for Ken, who just nodded dumbly and let his tall friend take control. 

Once Ken had laid Aya down on the kitchen table and said unconscious teammate was arranged to Youji's satisfaction, Youji dialed the hospital emergency room and asked for a particular doctor he knew was from Kritiker out of habit, not remembering until too late that this wasn't a mission-related injury, that this was self-inflicted, and then Youji had to block that thought from his mind, because the horror it brought would make him ineffective, and that was not at all a good thing.

_shinde yuku mono   ureshisouna kao   umarete yuku mono   kanashisouna kao  baibai Mother_

yo no naka no hito wa   nani mo kizukazu   yo no naka no hito wa   shirazu kizutsuke   watashi wa hitori

(the faces of those who are dying seem so happy, the faces of those being born seem so sad-  byebye Mother.

People in this society build nothing. People of this society hurt each other unknowingly. 

I am alone.)

"Hai, this is Kudou Youji. Yes, this is an emergency. No, not mission-related… YES, goddammit, it's IMPORTANT!  Mmm… I see… I thought you were supposed to _heal_ people, Doctor… Well, yeah, but- Oh, _fuck_ it, he tried to commit suicide, for crying out loud, get your ass over here! O-KAY, thank you. Yes. Bye." 

Youji wiped his forehead and sagged against the kitchen counter, wondering why the hell doctors never seemed to fucking _believe_ him when he said it was an emergency. The tall man was heading over to the table that Aya was sprawled on when Omi came thumping down the stairs, Ken trailing after him, looking dazed. The chibi leaped the last few steps, still tying the drawstring of his sweatpants, and skidded over to the table, looking as fierce as he possibly could. 

"Youji! What happened?! Why is Aya like this?!" Omi did not ask so much as exclaim questions at Youji, leading to a somewhat one-sided conversation when the elder of the two had no time to get a word in edgewise. The blonde-haired teen checked Aya over in a manner similar to his teammates' earlier inspections, taking down 'broken,' 'scraped,' and 'stitches needed' inventories in his head. Finally, Omi allowed himself to ask a real question, one that he needed an answer to: "Youji, did you call a doctor? Please tell me you called a doctor…" 

The younger assassin sagged in relief when Youji nodded, while lighting up a cigarette. Omi looked like he was about to protest the introduction of smoke into his or Aya's personal space, but stopped short at the preoccupied look on his friend's face when he gazed down at their unconscious leader. 

Omi obsessively checked Aya over one last time, before asking Youji if he knew the E.T.A. of the doctor. When Youji replied that he didn't, Omi went upstairs to change into more presentable clothing. Which left him with another thought: Why was Youji fully-dressed? It wasn't the brunet's habit to be up so early, as far as Omi knew… So why was he wearing a perfectly respectable-looking set of clothes? The thought was dismissed from his mind when he heard the doorbell ring, and he had to scamper in order to get a shirt on before the doctor needed his catalogue of injuries.

Without a Face    mure wo nashi 

_Without a Face    nomikonde_

_(Without a face   the crowd gathers _

_Without a face    and sucks me in)_

******

Aya's head hurt. A lot. In fact, it was only because his head hurt that he was awake. The redhead could feel that his jaw was clenched, and the dryness of his tongue, which felt huge in his mouth. Agh. The headache felt like a combination of dehydration, tension, and painkillers losing their effects. Which was odd, because he couldn't remember being hurt on a mission, or even having a mission, period. The last thing that came back to him was…  

Oh, shit. Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. This was a bad situation. If he was still alive, that meant someone had to have found him. Hopefully one of Weiß, hopefully _not_ Manx or Birman. He didn't want Kritiker finding out about his sudden slip of sanity; it would jeopardize his position in Weiß, and then the organization would have something to hold over his head. Aya moaned, his head hurting even more from the new tension he'd managed to put into his jaw muscles. 

Aya's violet eyes fluttered open, aching mightily, and the redhead cringed at the bright white of the room, his dilated pupils taking in way too much light. Someone stirred beside him, mumbling "You awake?" in a concerned tone of voice. Gah. That was Youji's voice. The headache abruptly intensified to migraine proportions when Aya remembered what had driven him to crying his eyes out that morning, how many days ago? Aya grunted at the question and in pain, not able to voice his need for _water, immediately._ Youji seemed to understand though, and chatted amiably as he poured a paper cup of water. 

_hora ima ni mo oshitsubusare kokoro go harisakesou_

_tada atatakai ryoute ni dakarete nemuritai_

_(Look, my heart now being crushed feels like it's about to tear apart_

_I just wanna be held in warm hands and sleep.)_

The slender man held the cup to Aya's dry lips while the redhead sipped; Aya noticed that Youji's fingers were warm against his chin. Finally the little cup was drained and set down on the bedside table, and Youji was still talking. How annoying. Aya grunted and shifted uncomfortably on the hospital bed. He was getting really cold, and Youji wouldn't shut up. At long last, said chatty teammate noticed that Aya wanted to say something. His emerald eyes widened and he looked at Aya as if to say, 'I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, what is it you need?' Which was all the opening Ken needed to burst into the room, not that he knew he was going to interrupt anything. // Not that anything had been going _on_. // Aya reminded himself. Ken's hair was mussed, and he looked as though he had been running. 

"Youji, have you seen Omi, I think he has my wallet…" the soccer fanatic trailed off when he saw Aya was awake. A huge, breathtaking smile broke out on his face, like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. "Aya… you're awake! Good morning."  Aya was stunned. Ken had never been that nice to him before! That in itself was odd, but that Aya looked forward to it was odder still. Something to think about once he wasn't cold.

"Uh, yes, hello," Aya's answer was less than enthusiastic, but it was to be expected; after all, he was just waking up from a near-death experience. One he had, at the time, hoped would end in death. Hence the growl in his voice. Ken looked a little startled at this detail, and brushed it off in order to find out where his wallet went. 

"Youji, so really, where the hell is Omi? I need my wallet for some food and the cigarettes you asked for." Youji looked confused by the way everyone was behaving, and so merely said, "Going to the bathroom," instead of teasing Ken about his anxiousness or asking Aya what he was mad at Ken about.

My Sweet Mother    hohoende    atatakai nemuri wo saigo ni 

_Deadly Sweet Mother   hohoende   yoru no naka itami wo nigirishime nemurimashou_

_(My Sweet Mother- smile, in the end let me sleep warmly_

_Deadly Sweet Mother- smile, in the night I'm going to sleep holding the pain.)_

Author's Note: Hey, y'all. This the seventh chapter, and the third time I've reposted it due to editing… ^^;;  Anyways, sorry for not updating for so long, I've been very busy, what with school and track and holidays. Also, sumimasen for ending this chapter at such a strange moment, I just wanted to get something out, and I couldn't think quite how to end it. Plus, the chapter really was kind of pointless, nothing really happens in this one, and next time I will try and alleviate that problem ^^. Okay, thanks for reading. Please please please please review, you know I need reviews like I need food and water… And, as a side-note, the song used this chapter is "embryo" by Dir en grey, but not all of it. Plus, it's the single version, not the Kisou version, so I don't actually know what it sounds like… too bad. *goes off to download it*


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